If you need a fire, I will burn this world to ash

If you seek entropy, I will fade away and disappear

If you are suffocating, I will be emergency resuscitation

If you need an ear to bend, I will lean in closer

If you want a lover, I will rip open my heart

If you are lowdown and out, I will be the high entering your veins

If you are sad, I will be a jester

If you are happy, I will dance beside you

If you are starving, I will be a blooming garden of fruit

If you are thirsty, I will be a vineyard of wine

If you are tired, I will be energy incarnate

If you are weak, I will drain my strength into you

If you are bleeding, I will be the bandage

If you are lonely, I will be a friend with a smile

If you are confused, I will be clarity through the storm

If you are filthy, I will be a flood to wash over

If you are cold, I will be a fiery sun

If you are hot, I will be the winter cometh

If you are lost, I will be the rescue mission

If you cannot go any further, I will carry you to the finish line

If you cannot get going, I will be the gentle push

If you want sex, I will enter your womb

If you want death, I will arrive as black cancer

I am the chameleon

On the surface level it would seem that this has been a successful day for me. I had five poems published in four different venues (Dissident Voice, UFO Gigolo, Illya’s Honey, and Section 8 Magazine). I had a short story published in The Haunted Traveler. I had another poem accepted for future publication in a zine I have not previously appeared in. I’m very thankful to the editors and publishers involved, and while I’m happy to have had a good day with my writing, the fundamental fact is that there remains some sort of existential emptiness in the hollow space of my soul that has been present since I was a very young child. I’ve tried to quell the horror that such darkness brings through the years in every way I could think of: meditation, fasting, various spiritual practices, renunciation, abstinence, sex, drugs, alcohol, food, feasting, binging, sobriety, humility, prayer, minimalism, materialism, and, of course, artistic pursuits. I always held out hope that my writing would eventually serve as the catalyst which could bring my karmic balance into alignment, easing the pressure from whatever unidentified demon wages war inside my psyche. What scares the hell out of me at this point is that even with the initial success I’ve begun having during the past year as my work is published, there is still something very critical missing inside me. I’ve always considered myself to be a fairly intuitive person with at least a modicum of intelligence and common sense, yet I cannot seem to figure out how to sustain health, happiness, balance, goodness, decency, honesty, peace, and love in my consciousness. The questions are never-ending. The answers remain elusive. This human existence never budges nor gives an inch as the experience of life plays out. It’s all trials, tests, and tribulations. It’s all a process of order breaking down into chaos and then emerging again in a higher state of order. It’s constant, continual, progressive, evolutionary adaptation. Or else it is all just a cruel and twisted joke to which I am the perpetual punchline. I suppose that in the end it doesn’t necessarily matter whether I am ever able to heal completely, or if I am destined to use the suffering at my core to create art that wouldn’t be possible otherwise. Either way, I will continue to place one foot in front of the other. Either way, I will continue to seek until I find (or don’t). This concludes the woe-is-me, confused portion of the evening. Now back to the regularly scheduled programming…

The serpent and the fire….the shed scales ….rebirth in the garden…absolution has no center…I’m a hold out on the good life…wait and find me in the next phase…God is elusive…The self is a better bet…play the long odds…fuck it, Buy The Ticket, Take The Ride….Enter apocalypse…this is how I roll…without sight…without touch…without feel…Intuition is the only muse…the world didn’t let me down, I set it on fire…I have no regrets….Every time it hurt the most, I found my strength a little more…Abstraction is my playground…Reality is the night sky…Best moment I ever shared alone in the arms of nature…I wish upon a star…I fuck it all away…I lose on purpose…I lie like a habit that needs to be properly developed so that it can be used for artistic purposes…I used to believe in Utopia…now I cry out for stability…This is my first try at tomorrow…yesterday was a daydream I never woke up from…Moths are flying on my screen…I am the Bug Man…here comes the next wave…I did the whole black phase…it left me empty…I need a chalice to sip from…I need an inferno to swallow…

I don’t have a notebook handy…I don’t have a pen to suck dry…all I have is cold metal keys…so I’ll use them…abuse them…fuck them…drive them to the abyss…rise them up to God…I need a better high life…I follow rabbits down the hole for fun…I am conspiracy incarnate…I am the harsh truth set to jazz…I found my core in the heart of entropy…I was born to be alone…Facts reincarnate…Circles are cycles are rhythms are vibrations are frequencies are nothingness are everything…Easy on the eyes…Hard on the mind…Broken…Haloed…God struck…Nasty…Brutal…With a heart of pure gold…

The next day languished in its wanton desire to come alive…the future was aborted in a flash wave sent from Horus…The dance was primal…The Phoenix laughed in my face when I asked it to rise…So I went and did that shit myself…Trust not…Sing not…Wait not…Speak no…Hear no…See no…Evil is my enemy…Righteousness sucks my tongue dry…Jesus is my best friend…Buddha pointed me toward the flowers…The Tao is just a dream…but so is everything else…

The power of freewill is the greatest force in all of creation. It is the primal energy from which pure consciousness takes directive. A mind that is sovereign and self aware cannot be led astray, nor tempted by the low energy of this fallen culture.

This is why the institutions of this world seek to smash freewill by placing each person under a spell which leads them to believe that they need whatever type of snake oil any particular institution happens to be selling.

The churches sell God from the pulpit.

I’ve always been fairly mindful

of keeping track on the timeframe

during different phases that my life goes through,

but something is a little bit cracked this time

and I can’t exactly remember the last day

when I didn’t drink at least one bottle of wine.

I know it’s been six months minimum,

but in reality likely a lot longer than that.

I can still count to two, however,

and that is the number of days it’s now been

since I had my last sip.

I just want to be perfect.

Is that too much to ask?

Why yes, it is, so ditch

those unrealistic, impossible expectations

before you drown in the demented neurosis

of your own frayed consciousness.

I can’t breathe here.

There is too much love here.

There is too much death here.

I can’t see clear.

I’m up the river without a paddle.

I’m down the creek against the tide.

Everything I thought to be

so beautiful, inspiring and uplifting

about my recent creative flight

was actually just burning holes

in every organ of my body

as the knife went in my back.

I need a fire extinguisher.

I’ll break the glass

if you just show me where the hammer is.

I am not a carpenter.

I cannot rebuild this temple alone.

This bottle is filled with poison.

The sky is raining acid.

My clouded mind is depressed and running on empty.

My kidneys are hardened stone.

The devil in my dreams

sounds so sweet and sexy.

The deal he offers

makes it all seem so simple.

Just lay down in this plush velvet casket

lined with golden trim

and filled with red roses.

Just join me in the eternal fires

beyond this realm of loneliness, pain and misery.

But I don’t want the easy fix anymore.

Get your filthy hands away from my suffering.

Put a cork in it.

I had to wage war for each scar I bear.

I had to earn every one of these mistakes.

I’m not selling the lessons they taught me

for a little bag of silver.

There is no ending here

because I haven’t even begun yet.

There is no death here

because I’m still holding out for love.

I haven’t really been keeping up to date on this blog the past couple of weeks. Everything has been kind of a blur. Time to get back in the proper flow. Time to focus in and raise my vibration. Here’s links to some of the poems I had published last week at various venues:

Escaping the Web – Your One Phone Call

Fertile Skyline Salvation – The Commonline Journal

Back to Back – Dead Snakes

Yawning Stars – Dissident Voice

Dissolving – Poems and Poetry

Selah,

Scott Thomas Outlar

The Tao is a page number.

The Tao is a first intention.

The Tao is a turning enthusiasm.

The Tao is a life’s work.

The Tao is a mission statement.

The Tao is a primal passion.

The Tao is Holy Spirit Vibration.

The Tao is thankfulness.

The Tao is health flowing abundantly.

The Tao is what it is.  Always.

The Tao is a confession.

The Tao is repentance.

The Tao is humility.

The Tao is surrender.

The Tao is Eternal Forgiveness.

The Tao is Christ Consciousness.

The Tao is The Phoenix Generation.

The Tao is a Prophecy.

The Tao is a Vision.

The Tao is The Renaissance Revolution.

The Tao is a Crystal Oracle.

The Tao is a Golden Day and Age.

The Tao is what comes next.

The Tao is continuation.

The Tao is cycles and fractals.

The Tao is time’s compression.

The Tao is space negation.

The Tao is Infinite Totality.

The Tao is an Awakened soul.

The Tao is an Enlightened sense.

The Tao is medicine from nature.

The Tao is God’s Providence.

The Tao is provided plentifully.

The Tao is Heaven here on Earth.

The Tao is The Lord Shepherd.

The Tao is The Holy Prophet.

The Tao is a Cosmic Revelation.

The Tao is a message from the sun.

The Tao is a focused light.

The Tao is an intense transformation.

The Tao is Now.

The Tao is what has been.

The Tao is coming soon.

The Tao is Karma.

The Tao is a feather.

The Tao is the scale.

The Tao is Judgment.

The Tao is an uplifted spirit.

The Tao is gladness found.

The Tao is inner peace.

The Tao is calm surrender.

The Tao is loud exclamation.

The Tao is Thunder cometh.

The Tao is Lightning cascade.

The Tao is a stormy sky.

The Tao is clear blue Heaven.

The Tao is a Safe Haven.

The Tao is golden shimmer.

The Tao is crash and burn and rise.

The Tao is electric neuron.

The Tao is magnetic pole.

The Tao is gravity in motion.

The Tao is unified physics.

The Tao is meta and beyond.

The Tao is deep within.

The Tao is balance personified.

The Tao is dualistic Oneness.

The Tao is All simplified.

The Tao is Ah.

The Tao is the edge’s center.

The Tao is eyes of the blind.

The Tao is rift and flux.

The Tao is mended fences.

The Tao is freely flowing friction.

The Tao is frequency interference.

The Tao is Perfect Resonant Vibration.

The Tao is lucid and alert.

The Tao is full alarm.

The Tao is liberty defended.

The Tao is freewill by God.

The Tao is days of rest.

The Tao is a moment of respite.

The Tao is renewed resolution.

The Tao is strengthened resolve.

The Tao is a thousand foot leap.

The Tao is a journey in full.

The Tao is experienced faith.

The Tao is a process of trust.